One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

I want to thank everybody who made this day necessary.

I really don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion I think it must be gratitude.

I forgot they were talking about me. They sound so wonderfully convincing.

I've always been well liked. I was so popular in school everybody hated me.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Some people speak from experience while others from experience don't speak.

The best way to save face is keep the bottom half shut.

It is almost impossible to find those who admire us entirely lacking in taste.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another man's resemblance to ourselves.

A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't.

Adam was the only man who when he said a good thing knew that nobody had said it before him.

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

Don't worry if your "you" is small and your rewards are few: Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you.

A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.

If Noah found himself back on Earth you can bet all he would recognize would be the jokes.

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

There are no perfect people - except of course my wife's first husband.

Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.

Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.

It is always dullest before the yawn.

I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.

I'd like to thank the committee that brought this event about. It was an equal endeavor. They did the food decorations and reservations and I did the traffic flow.

Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.

Here's to one of the most beautiful kind thoughtful people I have ever known . . . You are getting more like me every day.

Let's face it some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted I beg his pardon.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I thank you for not snoring.

I've been here so long . . . when I got here the Dead Sea wasn't even sick yet.

A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.

Nouvelle cuisine roughly translated means "I can't believe I spent ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."

Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.