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  3. nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs
Voltar

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by--"I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny richard librarians dick jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs grandpa remarried

You are the night.""I am the night," I repeated."You are the night."I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?""Jane!""Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word?

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny gabriel jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall out?

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing."See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
humor funny gabriel richard dick jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?""I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics."I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there.""I supervised," he insisted.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny gabriel jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.""Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny richard mud dick jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb missy

Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny maturity kindergarten jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb

You want to stab me again, don't you?"He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."I groaned. "I've created a monster.""I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers. "It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny monster jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb four-poster

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny chemistry coming jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.""You're a twisted little man.""Come on, Stretch, share with the class.""No!" I laughed."Prude.""Perv.""Schoolmarm.""Some other word that essentially means perv.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.""If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?""Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny sarcasm internet jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny gabriel jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny gabriel jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs pet-names

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny sarcasm gabriel richard dick jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb postkill-comeback

I offered you a choice, and you took it."I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny anger mama jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs aunt-jettie

Jane Jameson."He grinned. "Like the porn

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.""'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?""Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny gabriel unsettled jane-jameson nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.""I was curious!

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny vampire jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs zeb bloodsucker

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--""That's very comforting, thank you.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny questions gabriel jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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What was that?" Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope the situation didn't escalate to the dreaded purple nurple.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
funny vampire jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall, pale, and handsome man in the bar, and woke up a vampire.""I was mistaken for a deer and got shot," I offered.""Oh.

Molly Harper , em Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs
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