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Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Ilona Andrews , em On the Edge
humor kids ilona-andrews on-the-edge

She surveyed the carnage behind him. "Did you have fun?"He showed her his teeth. "Yes.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
death william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge

Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews audrey violent cerise the-edge fate-s-edge

He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
funny hair william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?

Ilona Andrews
funny kids thanksgiving pie ilona-andrews 2011 ilona-andrews-website

You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny george ilona-andrews audrey the-edge fate-s-edge

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny george ilona-andrews audrey the-edge fate-s-edge

At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews audrey the-edge fate-s-edge kaldar

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews audrey gnome the-edge fate-s-edge

That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny george ilona-andrews audrey jack the-edge fate-s-edge kaldar gaston male-skepticism

The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs.""You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?""Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews audrey the-edge addict fate-s-edge kaldar

Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun n

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny fun ilona-andrews audrey the-edge fate-s-edge kaldar

Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews tongue the-edge fate-s-edge kaldar

A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.""Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?""No.""She doesn't like poetry?""Leave it."Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
funny william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge

She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?""To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool."Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
funny william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge lord-bill

An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers.

Ilona Andrews , em Fate's Edge
funny ilona-andrews the-edge fate-s-edge kaldar raccoon

You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.

Ilona Andrews , em Gunmetal Magic
funny gandalf ilona-andrews roman lotr andrea-nash gunmetal-magic snarkiness

I glanced at Derek. The boy wonder didn't melt into a pile of goo, although his gaze was glued to Rowena's chest. Avoiding eye contact. Good strategy.

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Bites
fantasy derek ilona-andrews avoiding-eye-contact good-strategy magic-bites rowena

Im's offspring stare at stars and make clocks that calculate useless happenings like the angle of a hawk's claws as it strikes its prey. They demonstrate their contraptions and everyone marvels. My children get drunk, confuse a herd of cows with an enemy regiment, and slaughter the lot, screaming like lunatics until the entire army panics.

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Bleeds
children magic-bleeds ilona-andrews erra

No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense."Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?""Sure.""It's not the bathtub, baby."Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it."What are you looking for?""A pea Your Majesty.""What?""You heard me."I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch."Getting slow in your old age.""I thought you liked it slow."A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop.He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?""Hush. I'm trying to think of one.

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Bleeds
magic kate curran hilarious ilona-andrews

Failure happened. The trick was to accept the risk and try anyway.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
failure ilona-andrews bayou-moon the-edge

Secret to what?""Secret to shutting you up," he said. "I just have to beat you till you're half-dead, then give you chicken soup and"--he raised his hands--"blessed silence.

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Burns
silence kate kate-daniels curran ilona-andrews magic-burns chicken-soup

One day, she’d find a way to live her life to the fullest. She was sure of it. She just had no idea how she would manage it.

Ilona Andrews , em On the Edge
life live lost girl ilona-andrews on-the-edge she fullest

I realized that I'm a child."William looked point-blank at her chest. "No.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
child william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge

Torch strode over and stared at the fiver"What's this?""Some change for you. Buy your flunkies some decent clothes." I dipped my fingers into the jar and smeared think fragrant paste on my face. Torch frowned, mirroring the expression on my aunt's face."Change?"Oh, for crying out loud. "It's money. We don't use coins as currency now, we use paper money." He stared at me. "I'm insulting you! I'm saying your poor, like a beggar, because your undead are in rags. I'm offering to clothe your servants for you, because you can't provide for them. Come on, how thick do you have to be?"He jerked his hand up. A jet of flame erupted from his fingers, sliding against the ward. I jerked back from the windows on instinct. The fire died. I leaned forward. "Do you understand now?" More fire. "What's the matter? Was that not enough money?

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Bleeds
poor kate magic-bleeds ilona-andrews erra

Oh, Gods."His eyes shone with want and predatory satisfaction. "The name's William. It's a common mistake.

Ilona Andrews , em Bayou Moon
arrogance william ilona-andrews bayou-moon cerise the-edge

I've read your summary.""And?""It's not incompetent."Be still, my heart, so I don't faint from such faint phrase. "Did you expect it to be written in crayon?

Ilona Andrews , em Magic Bleeds
kate praise magic-bleeds ilona-andrews saiman

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