GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace.

If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do.

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

The pressures of business relationships: so I tell the guy I usually have my tea time at 10 o’clock every morning. He calls me at noon (very upset) because I didn’t meet him on the golf course.

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs.

Monthly, out of common courtesy, he went to inquire after the invalid Charles, who refused either to die or get better.

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.

You never know what you will find in your pants!

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus.

Jean-Baptiste Say may have coined the term 'entrepreneur' but he totally missed the opportunity to put it on a t-shirt and sell it.

Don’t stop writing until someone pries the pen from your cold, dead hands.

Some of us are looking at the stars, but all of us are living in the gutter.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

What if my boobs decide to grow WHILE I'm at school?

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Wilson or Brady?" The writing is on the ball...

I'm not afraid of you!' The wombat yelled. 'I saw you get stuck in the washing machine once. Round and round you went! Who's afraid of something that can't defeat a rinse cycle?

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.