Enjoy every ounce of your life, get high and be sincere to anybody that comes around you.

Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.

For the love of mercy, I cannot walk into mediation with a swollen vagina, Cash. Please.”I smile against her thigh, rubbing my scratchy face against the softness of her skin.“Is that what I’m doing?” Innocence—fuck no. I can’t even fake that shit.

Love is as we will it to be." ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go.""You just got here.""Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress.""You're making that up.""I'm not.""So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

Only love will attract love.”~ Amunhotep El Bey

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.

Praise can be your most valuable asset as long as you don't aim it at yourself.

Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run.

I'm half good and I'm half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of...here.

Sweetie, you don't need to drive me to the brink of insanity... I'm close enough to walk!

When I am alone, I drink my tea with pinkie raised, like a kid playing "tea party." At times, a fancy British accent is involved. Dahling!

EWI: Emailing While Intoxicated

How beautiful would history have been if it could be written beforehand and then acted out like drama!

Tell them I have the headache--no, the plague! I need something nice and contagious.

Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?

Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.

Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.

Owning a drone does not a pilot make.

You never know what you will find in your pants!

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful.

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will help you understand that hairy guy beside you.

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

I doubt you would recognize an adventure of any sort if it came right up and bit you on the a---Mother!I was going to say arm.

Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren’t careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment.

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

Raising a child is a time of RAPID CHANGE! From the ages of 0 to 19, a PARENT can age over 30 years!

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don’t—it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

As a reformed procrastinator, I'm now getting things done in the first 10 seconds of the last minute.

She never saw the point of making fun of strangers – how could you possibly know enough about them to hit below the belt?

Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.

Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

Deep down, he's shallow.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

Observation:Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

If you fall in love with a character, then you are actually falling in love with the author that wrote the character. Therefore, you could conclude that if you are said author, you are in love with yourself.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ferguson Riots" They were ready to tear America to shreds over their grief-right until the TV cameras left to cover the football games.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I love you as I do all - not at all.

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Weakness is weaker when discovered by others.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer.

He was king, if he didn’t have enemies he wasn’t doing it right.

My mind ran over everything that had happened lately, and running on such thoughts made even my feet hurt.

...there occurred to me the simple epitaph which, when I am no more, I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone. It was this:"He was a man who acted from the best motives. There is one born every minute.

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn't be! - Governor Dewar

A bug lies in quiet repose;when he passed no one knows.Did he suffer, was he pained?Before he died, was knowledge gained?Were all life’s pressures much too great.To put upon so small a weight?Although not one for pessimism,I think he died of journalism!