Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.

I deem myself as intellectual and analytical as much as I can but still never miss the chance to goof around and joke about anything but I never laugh at nobody. Good humor is about laughing with not about laughing at.

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

Everyone thinks to the extent of their own depravity,” #HenriettaLedyanova , #FatefulItalianPassion .

Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing than that, who on earth could convince them otherwise ?

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life.

Live life to the fullest or foolest.

Humor is complete intelligence.

If all it takes to motivate you is a quote then this quote has nothing to say – except to go soar with the freakin’ eagles.

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting.

There are two ways to learn life's lessons, the easy way and the hard way. I seem to prefer the hard way.

I'm quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

A wise man once said NOTHING... He just let her vent, nodded his head and live happily ever after!

Look deep into your own eyes so you may see your greatness and recognize the gifts that you were uniquely placed on this planet to learn from, to share, and to teach.

There is never another one of you in exactly the same spot you are in right now, so give yourself a break and release blame from the past so you can be free to move around the future!!

Owning a drone does not a pilot make.

You never know what you will find in your pants!

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

You know what I could use? A thrill.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Look out Below!" Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Forgiveness" Steroids for the Soul.

I was tired of this silly joking about my 'speaking countenance'. I could keep a secret as well as anyone. Poirot had always persisted in the humiliating belief that I am a transparent character and that anyone can read what is passing in my mind.

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

My friend says she's smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Learn to look up now and then, just in case a piano is falling from overhead.

Using Facebook is like taking a Dyson to your spare time.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

Like most bad ideas, it started with alcohol.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages "News People" Always joking around and happy. I guess that proves that ignorance really is bliss.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required.

So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian.

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

The fool has said in his heart: pass me another Everlasting God-Stopper, please.

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Being a Gentleman, has more to do with hiding his flaws, than exhibiting the virtues!