A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life.

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

You never know what you will find in your pants!

I'm like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don't leave.

I love that there's no cutoff where we get labeled and sent off to a home for hopeless, cranky, depressives. Every day is a new chance to listen longer and be braver and love more. We get to try again and again and again.

To be reborned many times over, you must unleash the power of inertia. But must you go out every time and reach for your highest potential?

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.