Two wrongs never add up to a right. But it's okay, I always sucked at maths.

Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you'll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and that will just wear you out, let me tell you.

If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.

You raise them half-decent, and they grow up and leave. They move to Miami or California-- someplace with gourmet groceries and nude beaches because you've reared them to cook good and be liberal minded. It's just the opposite with your failures-- them kids stick to your tail like a cocklebur. You'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not. No matter how old I get, this will always amaze me.

A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet.

Everybody's always doing the same old things--- you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you.