GPS has saved countless relationships because us men do not like to ask for directions. Now if women could only come with relationship GPS we would be one step closer to world peace.

You’re gorgeous. You’re sexy. You’re … asking me to cut that dress off you? I’m praying for strength.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.

Life is a circle. It spins you around.

My childhood was a drag show!

I will take all my rights! Can you deliver them to my house?

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

I am in the prime of my womanhood, nunga-nungas poised and trembling (attractively). Lips puckered up and in peak condition for a snogging fest.

Yesterday is a pile of rubble. Today is a pile of opportunity. Life takes a new dump each morning

I glance at him. He's looking at me, his expression every bit as expectant as I feel. I hate this little game of ours. Maybe because I'm no good at it. He won't tell me more unless I ask. Curiosity is one of my most incurable flaws--and Galen kno

You never know what you will find in your pants!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams" This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.

Trust me, there are things in this mountain that will make your jaw bounce off the floor.

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

I’m much more than a writer – I’m someone who puts different words together in an interesting way.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Your booty call embargo will remain intact.

You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable.

I would make a poor princess,' she said. 'Why?''Have you ever wished to be a princess?' Ash challenged her. 'That depends,' Kaisa said. 'On what?''On whether I'd have to marry a prince,' she said and her tone was lighthearted, inviting Ash to share her smile.

As one would expect, the Pope’s schedule is quite disciplined—he wakes up at four o’clock each morning and runs on the treadmill for an hour. I’m totally kidding. Nobody’s knees have time for that.

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."The traffic warden frowned. "Her?""Me," said Stephanie."Him?""Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her.""Me," said Stephanie."You?" said the traffic warden."Yes," said Stephanie. "I'm sorry, who are you?"Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it?

I'd say," the Ranger answered after a few seconds' deliberation, "that he'll be heading south now that he has the chance. Back into Araluen.""How do you know that?" Horace asked. He was always impressed at the two Rangers' ability to read a situation and come up with the correct answer to a problem. Sometimes, he thought, they almost seemed to have divine guidance."I'm guessing," Halt told him.

Halt regarded him. He loved Horace like a younger brother. Even like a second son, after will. He admired his skill with a sword and his courage in battle. But sometimes, just sometimes, he felt an overwhelming desire to ram the young warrior's head against a convenient tree.

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. “Trent, it’s time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out.” I said. “What?” he asked confusedly. “Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy.” Logan added. The girl froze, “You’re sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you’re going to pay for this.” Trent sputtered, “What? No.” Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said “Sorry Ma’am, we have to get home now because it’s past our curfew.” Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays. So many death glares, so little time.