In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

An angry wife can be more frightening than an army of disgruntled soldiers.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married.

The fastest way to end an argument with your wife is to admit she’s right.

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

If God had a wife, He would be in trouble too if He dodged His chores.

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

By studying human history, we can realize how much of human stupidity has fallen on fertile ground. Is gravity guilty for such an occurrence too?

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.