to do list (after the breakup)1. take refuge in your bed2. cry. till the tears stop (this will take a few days).3. don’t listen to slow songs.4. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorized on your fingertips.5. don’t look at old photos.6. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to two scoops of mint chocolate chip. the mint will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate.7. buy new bed sheets.8. collect all the gifts, t-shirts, and everything with their smell on it and drop it off at a donation center.9. plan a trip.10. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation.11. start a new project.12. whatever you do. do not call.13. do not beg for what does not want to stay.14. stop crying at some point.15. allow yourself to feel foolish for believing you could’ve built the rest of your life in someone else’s stomach.16. breathe.
what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn't know was how you loved me had so much to do with the person I was. it was a reflection of everything I gave to you. coming back to me. how did I not see that. how. did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if i was already not these things before I met you. as if i did not remain these once you left.
most importantly lovelike it's the only thing you knowat the end of the day all this means nothingthis page where you're sitting your degree your jobyour money nothing even matters except love and human connectionwho you lovedand how deeply you loved themhow you touched the people around you and how much you gave them
you tell me i am not like most girlsand learn to kiss me with your eyes closedsomething about the phrase - something abouthow i have to be unlike the womeni call sisters in order to be wantedmakes me want to spit your tongue out like i am supposed to be proud you picked meas if i should be relieved you thinki am better than them
i want to apologize to all the womeni have called prettybefore i've called them intelligent or bravei am sorry i made it sound as thoughsomething as simple as what you're born withis the most you have to be proud of when yourspirit has crushed mountainsfrom now on i will say things likeyou are resilient or you are extraordinarynot because i don't think you're prettybut because you are so much more than that
i don't blame you for not knowing how to remain soft with me. sometimes i stay up thinking of all the places you are hurting which you'll never care to mention. i come from the same aching blood. from the same bone so desperate for attention i collapse in on myself. i am your daughter. i know the small talk is the only way you know how to tell me you love me. cause it is the only way i know how to tell you.
i need someonewho knows struggleas well as i dosomeonewilling to hold my feet in their lapon days it is too difficult to standthe type of person who givesexactly what i needbefore i even know i need itthe type of lover who hears meeven when i do not speakis the type of understandingi demand- the type of lover i need
that is the thing about selfish people. theygamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world in their lap and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture. a moment. something of the past. one second. they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you. but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them.and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn't it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss. and this is how you lose her.- selfish
how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if i was already not those things before i met you. as if i did not remain all these once you left.