I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.