Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.

New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there I go to work.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?