When asked why I don't believe in God I reply, quite simply, "vaginas".

Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?

Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.

I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me "smoking can cause fatal lung cancer".

I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.