Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.

Streets flooded. Please advise.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.

New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.

Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.