I know nothing,” I say, cheerfully.“You never seem to. Have you ever wondered why that is?”“It’s very deliberate. I’ve found that knowledge is usually a burden. I prefer to be surprised and then eventually horrified.

If a car can represent something, this one represents contradiction. For most of his life, my dad has been able to have any woman he wants. In response, he’s gone through as many as possible, betraying each for someone younger and more absurd. Conversely, for most of his life he’s been able to have any car he wants, too. In response, he’s remained married to this, a 1982 Porsche with a tricky clutch.

I think you'll be a great teacher," said Gary. That's his role in my life: blind encourager and ambassador of false senses of security.

The captain of a ship can run a great ship, but he can't do anything about the tides.

I realize how utterly amazing it is that we're all able as humans to go about our daily lives without constantly obsessing over the fact that each of us will almost certainly be in a sterile bed someday, medicated and slowly dying. This officially marks the most depressing thing that has ever crossed my mind.

I instantly like people who laugh at my jokes. It's a weakness of mine.