Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.

A censor is an expert in cutting remarks. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.

My problem is I say what I'm thinking before I think what I'm saying.

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

Before publishers' blurbs were invented, authors had to make their reputations by writing.

The computer may be incompetent in itself--that is, unable to do the work for which it was designed. This kind of incompetence can never be eliminated, because the Peter Principle applies in the plants where computers are designed and manufactured.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

The problem with temptation is that you may not get another chance.

Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom.

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

Facts are stubborn things but statistics are more pliable.

You can always tell a real friend when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.

He laughs best whose laugh lasts.

When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Early to bed early to rise work like hell and advertise.

Conscience: That which makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

Old age is when you know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

The cave-dweller's wife complained that he hadn't dragged her anywhere in months.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.