When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the door

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

Y'know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It's not as easy as it looks..."

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity

Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack

If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhaling

If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongway

It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light

Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over

Friends might lose touch but never lose feelings

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse

At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1

Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job

I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing....

If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody

To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle

If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

positivity is the father of reinvention

If positivity is not your mindset, then reset

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months

Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school

True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for

Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are

It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late

I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame