Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

The best revenge is living well.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

It's good to play and you must keep in practice.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.