I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,

There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.

Monkeys can't talk, stupid!

Zoo-Wee Mama!

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.

I'm basically one of the best people I know.

See, that's the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend's mom.

I’ve realized is that every time you get something cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a week it’s being used against you. (We'll be taking this away until your English grade improves)

So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!

I think it's important for me to keep my childhood friends so that later on someone can appreciate how far I've come.

You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.

Whenever you go with the cheaper option, you end up regretting it