The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Room service? Send up a larger room."]

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Since my little daughter is only half Jewish would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

I've had a wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.