Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.

Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.

Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family ... in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.