Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

Reading is better than life. Without reading, you’re stuck with life.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.

Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

My favorite animal is steak.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

There is no such thing as inner peace there is only nervousness and death.

The opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Success didn't spoil me I've always been insufferable.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.