The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.

Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th' shelf is th' main thing.

Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.

I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day but no change at all ivry fifty years.

You can lead a man up to the university but you can't make him think.

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.

No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not the Supreme Court follows the election returns.

An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

A man's idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin' and pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an' burglary.

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.

The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic!)

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.

Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it but it's a kind iv a disgrace.

Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.

Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.