And that’s basically the end of this story. I know it sounds unbelievable and all. And I’m not saying I can explain all the time travel parts or the magical tattoo parts. You may not even believe me. That’s okay, though. I know it happened and that’s all that counts.

I figured I only had about two seconds to live. It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have in two seconds.

Little known fact: When you get really scared and too many scary things happen at once, you can leave your body. I don’t know if it’s your soul or your consciousness or what, but you can literally float up in the air over your body and watch what it’s doing.

I had a choice. My instincts told me to hurry up and give the choking man the Heimlich maneuver. My brain told me to stay still until he expired and chalk this one up to divine intervention.

I shrieked like a little girl, which, if you think about it, makes total sense.

You know how they say that right before you die your life flashes before your eyes? It doesn’t. That is just a notion they came up with for books and movies to make death seem romantic. Here’s what really happens: Your intestines feel like a dishrag that’s being wrung dry and your stomach acts like a balloon when you let the air out of it

This was a true pants-pooping moment.

She looked mean, but I think that was her natural resting face.

I mean, were you born a freak?” I asked. I flinched at my own words. I didn’t mean to be rude it just came out that way. The girl rolled her eyes to me. “I don’t know. Were you born stupid?” Okay, maybe I deserved that. “Yeah, probably.

I had read once that dumb people didn't know they were dumb. They thought they were just as smart as anybody else. That was a very unsettling thought. What if I was really dumb and didn't know it?

He didn't mean I couldn't leave, he meant I couldn't leave leave. If he meant I couldn't even take out the trash and had to stay inside all the time, that would result in a vitamin D deficiency and I would get scurvy and turn pale, wither, and die and he would go to jail for child abuse. So, I don't think he meant that.

Strike two. Add dumb as a box of rocks to the list of why I don't like these guys. I got to my feet, deciding to play nice. After all, they were just poor dumb guys who couldn't help it that there weren't enough brains in their genes.

Do not go where you don’t belong. I scoffed. That sounded like an invitation if I ever heard one.

What happened next… well, I'm going to blame it on the fact that I was scared. And I had just flown or fallen or something through about eighty years worth of Time. Or maybe it was the beans. I farted. I farted loud enough that it echoed around the small closet, bounced off all four walls and finally escaped through the open door. At least that's what it did in my mind's eye.

A stealthy ninja monkey she was not.

That was when things got weird. You may have thought things were weird already, but this was uber-weird