The great thing about the Internet isn't that you can reconnect with old friends or stay up to date with developing world events or send pictures of newborns immediately around the world. It is simply that you can log on to jcpenney.com from anywhere and order fresh underwear immediately after seeing your life flash before your eyes.

Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.

Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.

There are only a few things that are more entertaining than watching a cat trying to run across a freshly waxed wood floor after a ball.

If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.

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