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You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

humor funny comedy everyday-life observational-comedy

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

humor

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we’d say, ‘Damn, he must have done something ... Shit, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.’And people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. ‘Man I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it.’ ‘I’m gonna get me another job, I’m going to start saving some money, and you’re a dead man. You’d better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway.’So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.

humor gun-control bullets

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

humor

Women need food, water, and complimentsThat's right.And an occasional pair of shoes.

women shoes

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

humor women

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

women

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

society racism comedy race black

Men are as faithful as their options.

men fidelity

Men lie the most,women tell the biggest lies.

women lies men lie

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

wealth hunger plenty allergies

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

comedy guns chris-rock

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

women age

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.

people gay miserable

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

funny person hungry real homeless sign long funny-sign homeless-person too-hungry

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