I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.