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Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
funny crazy sane canadian canada

What part of Canada are you from, honey?""THE LEFT PART," said Jay.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
funny canada

I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.""Sausages.

in The True Meaning of Smekday
food funny i-spy

Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
funny random

This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.

in Cold Cereal
funny sarcasm

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
funny elephant zoo t-shirt

Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.

in Cold Cereal
funny cars sneaky

Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.

in Cold Cereal
funny cats

Stealing is good, honest work," Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking," he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good.

in Cold Cereal
funny

Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.

in Cold Cereal
school funny teacher late papers

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.

in Cold Cereal
funny

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

in Cold Cereal
funny

...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
women funny aunt

Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.

in Cold Cereal
funny

Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.

in Cold Cereal
funny name play-doh

Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14.

in Cold Cereal
funny name polyester

There's a little bit of magic in every box!

in Cold Cereal
magic funny cereal

There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
funny gross

We could have made it to the Arizona border in a few more hours if we hadn't been distracting each other with stupid little arguments. Don't get me wrong; I liked J.Lo fine. I've made that bed. But I'm not sure there's a person in the world I could be with twenty-four hours a day for three weeks without getting a little snippy. If I ever meet such a person, I'm marrying them.

in The True Meaning of Smekday
marriage humor bickering ideal-partner

Why would a vampire create a younger vampire if there was a possibility the young one might end up destroying the old one?'Stephin stared. 'If you can explain to me how this is different from parenting in general I might know how to answer that.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
parenting vampires

In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.""Fight or flight.""Yes.""Only half of that is flight.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
humor humour funny paranormal supernatural transformation vampires

Sejal had not thought of her home, or of India as a whole, as cool. She was dimly aware, however, of a white Westerner habit of wearing other cultures like T-shirts—the sticker bindis on club kids, sindoor in the hair of an unmarried pop star, Hindi characters inked carelessly on tight tank tops and pale flesh. She knew Americans liked to flash a little Indian or Japanese or African. They were always looking for a little pepper to put in their dish.

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
america india pop-culture multiculturalism

The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.

in The True Meaning of Smekday
humor america united-states demotivational

Sometimes you really want to say "Duh," but you can't. It's a part of growing up, I guess.

in The True Meaning of Smekday
growing-up

There was less than I’d expected in the rainy-day fund that Mom had kept in the bottom of an underwear drawer in a panty hose egg labeled ‘DEAD SPIDERS.’ As if I hadn’t always known it was there. As if I wouldn’t want to look at dead spiders.

dead aliens spiders smekday

Woah,' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' r

in The True Meaning of Smekday
humor gender politeness alien

Ohh,' said the girl with a sad tilt of her

in Fat Vampire: A Never Coming of Age Story
india
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